well I can't set my house on fire every night
Say something about gay babies.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
