Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize