If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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