i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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