I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
