FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Pants are for mortals
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
