I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
