The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
