watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
as a side note pls kill me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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