he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I am mentally ready for anal.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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