when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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