I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
