tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
