It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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