Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
