Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
