Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
