oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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