Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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