I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
