Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
