He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
