when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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