we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
