So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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