Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
