i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
