I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
