my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
