I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
