I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
