I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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