watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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