the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
