Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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