Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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