I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
