my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
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