I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize