You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
