I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
