Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
