The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
