Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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