apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
