I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize