i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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