Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
this hospital has no fireball
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All the doctor said was why
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
