Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
