Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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