Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
