the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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