My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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