what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
