Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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