i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
