seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
