Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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