it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
