I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
