I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
