What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
