Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
