i wish my penis had a tongue
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
