The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
