I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize