Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
