When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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