She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Are these your boobs on my camera?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
