Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
