I just cut my nipple shaving
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
