I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
